Killer Robot Plans, DIY and You

CATEGORY: Killer Robots, Suicide, DIY

DIVISION: Modern Evil Products, R&D

NOTE: Killer Robots are the backbone of every nefarious scheme - from world domination all the way down to driveway suicide. But giving away the blueprints to the DIY crowd is like showing your hand before the flop. So while we meet with our internal Products Division, we'd like to remind you that our fantastic line of Killer Robots are all ICC-Approved and finance-ready for overnight shipping within the continental U.S.










Man, 81, Kills Himself with Shot from 'Suicide Robot'

Fran Yeoman

An elderly man has killed himself by programming a robot to shoot him in the head after building the machine from plans downloaded from the internet.

Francis Tovey, 81, who lived alone in Burleigh Heads on the Australian Gold Coast, was found dead in his driveway.

According to the Gold Coast Bulletin, he had been unhappy about the demands of relatives living elsewhere in Australia that he should move out of his home and into care.

Notes left by Mr Tovey — who was born in England — revealed that he had scoured the internet for plans before constructing his complex machine, which involved a jigsaw power tool and was connected to a .22 semi-automatic pistol loaded with four bullets. It could fire multiple shots once triggered remotely.

At 7am on Tuesday he set the robot up in the driveway of his £450,000 house and activated it.

His notes suggested that Mr Tovey chose to kill himself in the driveway because he knew there were workmen building a new house next door who would find his body.

The scheme worked, as carpenter Daniel Skewes heard gunshots and ran to Mr Tovey's home. "I thought I heard three shots and when we ran next door he was lying on the driveway with gunshot wounds to the head," Mr Skewes told the GCB.

A neighbour, who did not want to be named, told the newspaper that Mr Tovey had lived at his home on Gabrielle Grove since 1984. "He was a really marvellous man, an ideal neighbour and I will miss him greatly," she said.

"He was born in England, like I was, and we used to enjoy our tea together. He had visitors from England and family interstate from somewhere far away in Australia.

"There was no inkling of anything amiss, it is just very sad."

The McDonald's Franchise Approach to Cosmetic Surgery

CATEGORY: McSurgery, Beauty, Appearance Medicine

DIVISION: Products, R&D

NOTE: Delayed but finally government approved, our Solo Surgery™ line of fine products will be available this fall. Hopefully this will alleviate some of the anxiousness surrounding cosmetic surgery. Bringing you quality choices for all your medical needs is our pleasure, here at Modern Evil.









Doctors Warn of 'McSurgery' in Quick Fix Operations Boom

By Andrew Johnson

A huge increase in the number of cosmetic surgery treatments carried out by unqualified or insufficiently qualified people is leading to the "McDonaldisation" of the industry, doctors warned yesterday.

Surgeons spoke out in response to news that a New Zealand cosmetic surgery company is offering doctors a franchise after just two days' training at a hotel in Manchester.

The British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (BAAPS) said that high-pressure sales techniques and cowboy operators were fueling a booming market in Botox, face peels and laser treatment, some of which can result in poor treatments, injuries or, in extreme cases, death.

Paul Stapleton, of the Mapperley Park Clinic in Nottingham, said: "It's a McDonald's franchise approach to cosmetic surgery. It's a continuation of alarming developments in the field, which hasn't been helped by the Government's U-turn on plans to regulate cosmetic surgery."

The franchise deal was offered to ordinary GPs who had paid £2,000 a head to a New Zealand company called Appearance Medicine for the training weekend at the Marriott Hotel in Manchester. After practising Botox injections on volunteer hotel staff the GPs were offered equipment to start a practice in exchange for £35,000 and 10 per cent of future profits.

Dr Maurice Mann, a GP in Chesterfield, attended the course "out of curiosity" because he was inundated with patients wanting non-invasive procedures or help after procedures abroad had gone wrong.

"There were 19 doctors and one dentist on the course," he said. "It was a wide-ranging course. Some of it was very good. But what I found a little surprising was that they said for £35,000 they would give us basic kit and a franchise. It's an unregulated market.

"They're not doing anything wrong and have been doing it for 20-odd years. What is worrying is people going on these courses and just getting started.

"This is something there is terrific demand for. If people can't get it from a reputable source they will go to a disreputable one."

Appearance Medicine did not respond to requests for comment.

A quarter of all complaints to the Healthcare Commission are about "low-level" cosmetic surgery procedures such as Botox and face peels.

'I was filming a scene when my whole face froze from Botox'

Sarah Manners, the star of the BBC series 'Casualty', had Botox treatment four years ago. She had feared that her looks were not perfect enough - but the result nearly ruined her career. Her face froze while she was filming an airline drama in which she played a glamorous air hostess and an entire scene was lost. "It taught me a lesson. You can't afford to have Botox when you're an actor. It could lose you work."